Its 10:31pm , right now... Im up - as usual ; addictively mssging people on FB cause i dont have my phone.
But my main purpose for blogging this late is because i havent been myself lately. Like its a lot of people out here in the world that know me , but are confused about who I really am. To most people im just Ashley Dawson, a friend, a sweet person, goofy , a sister , an associate , an ex, a liar , a cheater , a hoe , and the list goes on . But im here to set the record straight and reveal somethings about myself , that like... my closest friend doesnt even know.. Okay well they know most of this but I have in fact lied to them too about a couple of things. Ok , like First of all... I know im human... And we all make mistakes we're not perfect and all but im speaking about like... Preventing things... Like I lie , on purpose...YES I SAID THAT - I LIE ON PURPOSE... I dont know why i TRUELY do it, but i know i want to fit in , keep conversation avaliable so i lie about unnecessary stuff and i mean im not saying its okay to do that , but im saying like... its harmless ; now what i will also admit is that , I lie on purpose to hurt people. Because..... I get bored easily when someone loves me...Thats my problem...I get bored and my mind , like goes out of the loving and caring stage and starts to play a game, It plays a game with the person im with... I cheat , I lie to them about getting drunk and going to parties as an explanation for me cheating, and i say " I didnt know what i was doing" to make it all better when they wanna try and leave me. I lie on purpose to get my way, to entertain myself, and i know its wrong , but that who i am. Im sorry ; Secondly ... Im a Lover.. I can love you all day long if you keep me grasps long enough but im also a cheater, along with being a liar. Like i said before its purposely for entertainment . But sometimes, ihave a temptation deeper than just playing games with people's minds and hearts and i just zone out , and alllow myself to act now, and think later. and i end up screwing myself over. Third- I dont have a belief. - You know how some people believe in luck ,good fortunate ,heaven , hell and all that ?! Dont get me wrong i believe there is a god and spirits but like in life... I dont know , ......I dont know where i stand basically , its like i know God and his spirits and things are there but I cant help but ask myself Who's side am i really on, like and Why.... Im not really spiritually strong at this point in my life., But im striving but im getting sucked into a Giant Whole of wonders ... and I just dunno about that subject. Like when , i go to the Kingdom Hall [Yes of Jehovah's Witnesses] Its like.... Im there but im not really there, there... I hear every word but i dont take it in, They say that there is no hell only a heaven and that the world will end and there will be paradise, and the dead will be conscious of nothing and those who live faithfully according to the father will have everlasting life.But that only led me to think that either way , if i do wrong or not ,Either im just gonna be dead dirt or a living soul who can sleep with no harm or worries. And i have put in my mind that either one is okay with me, and i dont think i should think like that but i do. Like , i said... I have no stand there. Im confused.Hopefully one day i will find the right path. I want to.. I just need some help.Fourth. Well ... Really there is no forth. I lie and cheat and im not spiritually in believeing... I do things to fit in, and have entertainment when im bored and lonely.... I play games. These are my faults of not growing up. And im learning to overcome them. I may be a hoe, a liar , a bitch ,or whatever name you wanna call me ; good or bad but like... my thing is.. Everyone will have there own opinion about who you are, what you do, and the decisions you make throughout your life , good or bad ,and they will judge you up and down according to there dictionary and preference. But By the end of the day,, you need to be able to say yes... im so and so and i did that, thats who i am, and thats what i wanted to do. This is your life, be who you are. There really is no reason to lie... I dont even know why i do it.Well , shame... Is a bitch and its there no matter what. But confidence and willingness is also there to have your back, you just need to learn to face shame while keeping that confidence within you .Dont let yourself be put down BY yourself. You need to be able to believe in yourself. I dont believe in anything , and maybe thats my problem. I dont have anything to live for because its like .... Are you living or existing... I wanna be able to say im LIVING,- the difference? Existing is only being here., But living is like..- actually having a purpose you know., I wanna have purpose, I wanna be Ashley Dawson. This is who i am. No more lies, no more excuses, no more of anything just Ashley Dawson . Take me how you wanna . But through it all Thats who i am, and will always be. Lies have been my biggest sin ; and im not gonna hide behind that Mask of lies anymore.
-P.s.
- I never smoked a day in my life
- I dont know my father ; He's like a stranger to me - &Thats scares me and hurts at the same time
- Im not [IN] love with anyone
- Im a clone sometimes
- Im lonely
- I dont fit in
- I dont have real friends
- Im stronger throught ART than i am Emotions
- I dont care about anyone other than myself sometimes
- When i know im wrong ; I like to switch it around and play innocent
- I never drank a day in my life
- I give myself away too easily
- Most times im thinking about how my life would be had my dad been here
- You see a smart, pretty , creative girl,... I see a lost & Confused Soul ; That loves too hard, Gives too much ; and wants to let go and let God, but has no faith or discipline.
Don't Judge Me...
*No More Hiding Out*
-Thanks for Reading.
